


Incorrect Quotes

by Snooper_Shuichi



Series: Short Shuichi AU [9]
Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Gen, I think there might be a lot of implied ships maybe, M/M, Multi, Short Shuichi AU, Snooper Shuichi, Too many characters I don't feel like adding
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-14 23:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 11,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29304186
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Snooper_Shuichi/pseuds/Snooper_Shuichi
Summary: Because no one can stop me, I just realized I can do this and it makes me happy.
Relationships: K1-B0/Saihara Shuichi, Momota Kaito/Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi, Momota Kaito/Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi
Series: Short Shuichi AU [9]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1874224
Comments: 5
Kudos: 61





	1. Chapter One

Shuichi: So, I’m going to grab a healthy breakfast.

Maki: Are those gummy bears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?

Shuichi: Breakfast burrito, but yeah.

Maki: I pity your dentist.

Shuichi: Joke’s on you. I don’t have a dentist.

-

Shuichi: You're the worst.

Kokichi: No, you're the worst!

Maki: You'll have to excuse them. They're idiots.

-

Kaito: Sorry, I was being sort of a dick.

Shuichi, who's just trying to be nice and forgiving: We weren't going to say it.

Kokichi, who doesn't forgive spaceman: I was.

-

Shuichi: If I run and leap at Kokichi, he will most certainly catch me in his arms. Coming in!

Kokichi: No! I'm holding Panta! *drops Panta on the floor and catches Shuichi*

-

Maki: Why are you two here?

Shuichi: I'm here to help!

Kokichi: I'm here to make things worse!

-

Kokichi: If you’re on the sun then sun-dried tomatoes are just tomatoes.

Shuichi: Wouldn’t they be dried tomatoes? They’re still not normal tomatoes.

[Later]

Shuichi: I asked Kaede, and she said there are no tomatoes on the sun. So it looks like we’re both wrong. But more importantly, you’re wrong.

-

Himiko: Incidentally, why *were* you rummaging through the dump?

Shuichi: I don't understand the question.

-

Himiko: I... I’ve been living a lie.

Shuichi: Just one? I’m living like twenty.*

-

Himiko: I’m not having sex with Kokichi!

Shuichi: No one would judge you. It’s understandable. He’s strong and intriguing and sort of compact** but well-muscled.

Himiko: … I’m not having sex with Kokichi, but I’m starting to think you are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * I'm talking about Shuichi's false personalities that he made since he was young so in a sense, living lies.  
> ** I have no idea if this is wrong but I don't care.


	2. Chapter 2

Kokichi: Holy shit, I have the best idea!

[Later]

Shuichi: … why?

Kokichi: My line of logic was, “Well, if I put the sponge in the blender, when I turn it on the sponge will spin around and scrub the blender for me so I don’t have to spend ages cleaning it.” That’s not what happened, though.

-

Kokichi: In 20 years, I guarantee you, I will be Shuichi's second husband.

Shuichi: What happened to my first husband?

Kokichi: Nothing you can prove.

-

Kokichi: [from projector] Over here, old friend! In case you’ve noticed, you’ve fallen right into my trap!

Shuichi: You can’t trap justice! It’s an idea, a BELIEF!

Kokichi: Even the most heartfelt belief can get corroded over time!

Shuichi: Justice is a non-corrosive metal!

Kokichi: But metals can be melted, by the heat of revanchge!

Shuichi: It’s REVENGE, and it’s best served cold!

Kokichi: But it can be easily reheated, in the microwave of evil!

Shuichi: Well, I think your warranty’s about to expire!

Kokichi: Maybe I got an extended warranty!

Shuichi: Warranties are invalid, if used beyond their intended purpose!

Himiko, tied to a chair: [exasperated] Girls, girls, you’re both pretty! Can I go home now?


	3. Chapter 3

Interviewer: Saihara, tell us about your hentai addiction.

Shuichi: I wouldn’t call it an addiction… I just like hentai. I love-

Shuichi: I used to… watch it every hour, or every day. But I started cutting back.

Shuichi: But I love and miss my 90GB of hentai.

Shuichi: No, it’s not gone, I just haven’t looked at it for 3 hours.

-

Kokichi: Let’s get one thing straight: I’m not

-

Shuichi: You’re pretty cute.

Kokichi: I’m sorry, pretty cute? I AM A GOD.

-

Shuichi: I’ll be fine, the doctor said all my bleeding was internal. That’s where the blood’s supposed to be.

-

Shuichi: We can make this work! We’re Romeo and Juliet!

Kokichi: It didn’t work for Romeo and Juliet. That play ends in a tragic double suicide.

Shuichi: Wait-that’s how it ends!? Then why the heck do people like it so much!?

-

Shuichi: (screams)

Kaito: What was that?

Shuichi: I just thought about my anxieties and it’s like my mind hand touched a hot memory stove.

-

Kokichi: The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

Kaito: Go to sleep.

-

Shuichi: I know you’re making jokes about how attractive you are to hide your sadness.

Kokichi, sobbing: It’s not a joke, I’m a legit snack!

-

Shuichi: What if “It’s Raining Men” and “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” are both about the same event, but from different perspectives?

Kaito: I’m literally begging you to stop.

-

Kaito: Hey, Shuichi, we’re friends now right?

Shuichi: Fuck off.

Kaito: The best.

-

Shuichi: I’m not needy.

Kokichi: [Shumai, you’re the definition of needy. Remember that one time you called me at 3 in the morning to make sure we were still friends?

-

Kokichi: I don’t always make good decisions under pressure…

[flashback]

Shuichi: What the hell is that?

Kokichi: An alpaca! I got the last one!


	4. Chapter 4

Shuichi: Would you rather kill Kokichi or-

Maki: Kill him.

Shuichi: … I didn’t say the other-

Maki: I don’t need to hear it.

Kokichi, sweating: Feeling a little unsafe here

-

Kokichi: When will you learn?! when will you learn that actions have consequences!

Shuichi: Re- Rebecca, it’s not what you think…

Kokichi: Step the fuck up, Kyle!

Shuichi: You better stop!!!!

Kaito: *walks up to Rantaro* Are they arguing using only vine references?

Rantaro: Yes. Yes, they are.

Kaito: Why?

Rantaro: Because Kaito, they’ve evolved. We can either join them or perish…

-

Kiibo, trying to comfort Shuichi: Ugh, what would Kaede say?

Kiibo: ...Sometimes clouds have two sides, a dark and light, and a silver lining in between. It’s like a silver sandwich! So when life seems hard, just take a bite out of the silver sandwich.

Shuichi: Maybe we haven’t failed after all!

Kiibo: That’s the spirit. I can’t believe that worked. I didn’t know what I was saying.

Shuichi: No, what you said made no sense at all. But look! It’s Kokichi!


	5. Chapter 5

Shuichi: oh shit there’s dr seuss fanfics

Shuichi: every porn scene better fucking rhyme

Kokichi: OKAY, I AM GOING TO HELL BUT SHUICHI IS GOING FARTHER

Shuichi: WE GOTTA READ EVERY FUCKING DR SEUSS FANFIC

-

Kokichi: *mumbling in Latin*

Monokuma: For the last time, I’m not a demon! You can’t exorcise me.

Shuichi: *looking sadly at Kokichi as he crosses No. 5 off the list* Well, it was worth a try.

-

Unnamed therapist: Mr. Saihara, if you have 12 apples and you give your friend 6, what do you have?

Shuichi, through tears: A friend.

-

Kiibo: I really wanna make a good first impression, you know?

Kokichi: Well, don't worry, you've already failed.

-

Kaito: Hey, Kokichi I do believe you’ve dropped your wallet.

Kokichi: Doesn’t look familiar to me.

Kaito: What? I just saw you drop it. Here.

Kokichi: Nope, it’s not mine.

Kaito: It is yours. I’m trying to be a good person and return it to you.

Kokichi: Return what to who?

Kaito: [facepalms and then shows the ID] Aren’t you Ouma Kokichi?

Kokichi: Yup.

Kaito: And this is your ID.

Kokichi: Yup.

Kaito: I found this ID in this wallet. And if that’s the case, this must be your wallet.

Kokichi: That makes sense to me.

Kaito: Then take it.

Kokichi: That’s not my wallet.

Kaito: YOU DUMBASS! TAKE BACK YOUR WALLET OR I’LL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF!

-

Police Officer: You have the right to remain silent.

Shuichi: I choose to waive that right!

Shuichi: *screaming*

-

[Shuichi is casually searching around the room]

Kiibo: Hey [Shuichi], what’re you looking for?

Shuichi: My will to live.

[Kokichi walks into the room]

Shuichi: Oh, there it is.

-

Kokichi: I’m now going to demonstrate the magic trick of hiding under my covers until life stops being mean to me.

-

Shuichi: Who was I before sadness and stress?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi says fuck the police. I can't believe the AU has come to the point where Shuichi is a bother to the police for sticking his nose where it doesn't belong.


	6. Chapter 6

[Looking at a Pixar Lamp Gif]

Kaede: *chuckling* If you don’t get that reference, you’re too young to be here.

Miu: Are you kidding me, Kaede? Pixar puts out a movie every year. A baby would get this reference!

Kokichi: It’s not a Pixar reference. It’s a reference to that one time 7 years ago when lamps became sentient humanoids… many were lost that day.

Rantaro: *nodding* It was a grim day for mankind. My family took refuge in a cave and thus saved us from certain extinction.

Shuichi: I fought one off using only an egg whisk and a pogo stick.

Angie: I still have the scars from where one stole my kidney.

Kokichi: Ironically, it was a dark time.

Kaede:

Kaede: What the actual fuck guys?

-

Shuichi: I am a strong independent man, I don't talk about feelings, feelings are for-

Kokichi: *exists*

Shuichi: *feels*

-

The class: You can't do this!

Kokichi: No. You're right. I can't.

Kokichi: Oh, wait a second. I'm the ultimate supreme leader, so I can.

-

Kaede: So… Shuichi… do you have a crush… on anyone?

Shuichi: The only crush I have is this crushing anxiety

-

Shuichi: So we have good news, and we have bad news.

Kokichi: My mother always said, "Bad news first because the good news is probably a lie." Fun fact: she made me cry a lot.

-

Shuichi: Why are you calling me this late?

Kokichi: I need your help. I’ve done something bad, very bad.

Shuichi: Put the corpse on ice, I’m on my way.

Kokichi: What? No, it’s not- Why would I-

-

Kaede: Kokichi, no!

Kokichi: What?

Kaede: Sorry, force of habit. Shuichi, no!

-

Shuichi: This was a terrible idea! Why didn’t anyone stop me!

Kokichi: Because you didn’t tell us! WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US!!!

Shuichi: Because you would have stopped me!


	7. Chapter 7

Shuichi: why are you squeezing me with your body?

Kokichi: it’s a hug, Shuichi. I’m hugging you

-

Kaito: You know what? Forget it. I'm not even shocked anymore.

Kokichi: Aw, that's no fun.

Kaito: This has become the norm for you, Kokichi.

Kokichi: I'll have to try harder next time.

Kaito: Please don't.

Kokichi: I feel like I've been issued a challenge.

Kaito: Kokichi!

-

Shuichi: Are lobsters mermaids to scorpions?

Kaito: Shuichi, it’s four in the morning.

-

Shuichi: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

Kokichi: (Narrating) But he did not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

-

Kokichi: We're going out, Shumai! If we don't come back, avenge our deaths!

Shuichi: Alright!

-

Kokichi, holding a cone of cotton candy twice his size: Everything in my life has led up to this moment.

-

Maki: Where is my fucking knife?

Kokichi: Maki, Shumai is around, can you say it a little nicer?

Maki: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KNIFE?!


	8. Chapter 8

Shuichi: What’s your favorite color?

Kokichi: Stop asking stupid questions. Ask me something logical and mature.

Shuichi: How many moles of sodium bicarbonate are needed to neutralize 0.8ml of sulfuric acid at STP?

Kokichi: My favorite color is purple.

-

Kokichi: THE FLOOR IS LAVA! *jumps onto the table*

Kaito: *sits on chair*

Shuichi: *faceplants onto the floor and accepts his fate*

-

Kaede: If at first you don’t succeed try try and try-

Shuichi: A gun

-

Kaito: I LOST SHUICHI!

Kokichi: How did you lose him?!?

Kaito: Give me a break, he’s like two inches tall!

-

Kokichi: Here is my wall of inspirational leaders.

Shuichi: Is that a picture of you?

Kokichi: Yes, I am big enough to admit that I am always inspired by myself.

-

Kokichi: [runs into the dining hall late] Sorry I'm late, I was doing things.

Kaito: [runs in after him] YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE STAIRS!

-

Kaito: I just had a thought.

Shuichi: I’ll buy you a card to commemorate the moment.

-

Shuichi: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Kichi!

Kokichi: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.

-

Kaito: You almost set me on fire last night.

Kokichi: You probably deserved it.


	9. Chapter 9

Burglar: It’s either your money or your life!

Shuichi:

Kokichi: Please don’t say it-

Shuichi: Take my life, please.

Burglar: Wh-

Shuichi, taking out wallet: Oh, what the hell, why not take both?

-

Kokichi: Synonyms are weird because if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, that just sounds nice and cozy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods, you’re going to die.

Miu: My favorite is “butt dial” vs “booty call”.

Shuichi: Also, “forgive me father, I have sinned,” vs “sorry daddy, I’ve been naughty”.

Kaede: Great news! Language is now canceled!

-

Kokichi: What if one day I got hit by a truck?

Shuichi: I’d run over to help you and call an ambulance.

Maki: I’d be the one driving the truck

-

Shuichi: I’m not jealous. I just get this weird burning feeling when I think about Kichi being with somebody else.

Kaede: That’s jealousy.

-

Kokichi: If Shumai and I were both drowning, who would you save? 

Kaito: I don’t know, both of you. 

Kokichi: No, if you could only save one of us. 

Kaito: Well, I would probably save Shuichi, because he can’t swim and I happen to know you’re an excellent swimmer. 

Kokichi: What if I was holding an anchor? Who would you save then? 

Kaito: Well, why don’t you just let go of the anchor? 

Kokichi: It’s a family heirloom. 

Kaito: I’m leaving.


	10. Chapter 10

Kaito: You need a hobby.

Kokichi: I have a hobby.

Kaito: Staring at Shuichi’s face isn’t a hobby.

Kokichi: You’re right. It’s a profession and I excel at my job.

-

Kokichi: Hey, Shumai, what are you thinking about?

Shuichi: How I wanna take probiotics and antibiotics at the same time and have them fight inside of me.

Kokichi:

Shuichi: I just wanna see who wins!

-

[knocking on the door]

Kokichi: You wanna get that?

Shuichi: And interact with people? No, thanks.

-

Shuichi: Every odd number has an e in it

Kaito: Shuichi its 3am

Shuichi: thrEE

-

Shuichi: I’m literally so mad at you right now. There’s nothing you can say that’ll make me forgive you.

Kokichi: I-

Shuichi: Okay I forgive you.

-

Kokichi: How do tall people possibly sleep at night when the blanket can’t possibly cover you?

Kaito: Kokichi, it’s four o'clock in the morning.

Kokichi: So, you can’t sleep, huh? Is it because of the blanket?


	11. Chapter 11

Kaito: Can we talk about the email that you sent to the chat??

Shuichi: It was a critical update

Kaito: It just says ‘I’m back on my snooping bullshit’

Shuichi: People need to know

-

Rantaro: Ya know you shouldn’t stay up so late-

Shuichi: Time is an illusion. Nothing matters, God is dead

-

Kokichi: Name a more iconic duo than my fear of abandonment and instinct to self-isolate, I’ll wait.

Shuichi: You and I.

Kokichi, tearing up: Alright

-

Kokichi: Shumai, did you eat all the donuts?

Shuichi: No.

Kokichi: Why are you lying to me? I can see all the powder on your pants.

Shuichi, panicking: That’s cocaine.

-

Keebo: (On Kokichi's Popularity) I don't get it, Shuichi.

Shuichi: Beautiful hair, bedroom eyes, dominant demeanor, I totally get it.

Keebo: What?

-

Shuichi: Wow, I need a drink.

Shuichi: [pours cream soda into shot glass]

-

Kaito: Would you say you’re independent?

Shuichi: [looks at Kokichi]

Kokichi: [nods]

Shuichi: I’d say so, yes.

-

Kaito: Last night I found out Shuichi is a sleep talker.

Kaede: Oh, really?

Kaito: “The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.” Right. In. My. Ear. At 3am.

-

Kokichi: Thank you for agreeing to see me.

Kaito: I didn’t. You just walked in and started talking.

Kokichi: Look, I don’t have time for a history lesson.


	12. Chapter 12

Kokichi: Truth or dare?

Shuichi: Truth.

Kokichi: Do you want to kiss me?

Shuichi: Dare.

Kokichi: *leans in* I dare you to kiss me.

Shuichi: Never have I ever-

Kokichi: THAT’S NOT THE GAME

-

Shuichi: *accidentally bumps against a door*

Kokichi: Are you okay?!?!?

Shuichi: It’s okay, I’m fine.

Kokichi: [to the door] You stand in Shuichi's way one more time and I’ll make sure to take you down.

-

“Where people like you see a problem I see an opportunity to create worse problems”  
— Kokichi

-

Shuichi: I'm the kind of person who likes to think things through

Kaito: Since when? I once saw you eat a marshmallow that was still on fire.

-

Kaito: Is anyone going to tell me what’s going on in here?!

Kokichi: It’s kind of complicated, but Shuichi-

Kaito: Got it. Forget I asked.

-

Kaito: *Playing out of tune guitar.*

Shuichi: Hey, you take requests?

Kaito: Sure.

Shuichi: Please stop.

-

"Sometimes when I don’t know how to get to Google, I just search ‘google’ on Google."  
— Shuichi, probably

-

Kaito: Look, I am going to be frank.

Kokichi: Okay, can I still be Kokichi?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jokes on Kaito, Shuichi fully thought that decision through for the sake of curiosity.


	13. Chapter 13

Kokichi: I bet you couldn’t make a sentence without “a”

Shuichi: You thought you just did something here didn’t you? Well sorry to burst your bubble but numerous sentences could be constructed without employing the first letter of the English lexicon.

Kokichi: Shumai

Kokichi: wot the fuck

-

Kokichi: Guys, Halloween isn’t a date on the calendar.

Shuichi: Yeah it is, it’s the 31st.

Kokichi: No, Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, it’s Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that’s Halloween. As long as you carry on the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your hearts, every day is Halloween.

-

Kokichi Why did the chicken cross the road?

Kaito: Why?

Kokichi: To get to the idiot's house.

Kokichi: Knock knock.

Kaito: Who's there?

Kokichi: The chicken.

Kaito: Listen here you little fucker-

-

Shuichi [after doing something stupid]: I was left unattended. I don't know what you expected.

-

Kaito: Gentle reminder not to eat too much candy before bed.

Shuichi: no

Kaito: This was a gentle reminder, yet your words of defiance brings me ungodly amounts of rage

-

Kokichi, starting a kindergarten uprising: The whole system is corrupt! Meow!

-

Kaito: Hey, do you have a bag I could borrow?

Shuichi: The only bags I have are the ones under my eyes, and they’re specifically designed to carry the burden of my stress-filled existence.

Kaito: Literally all you had to do was say no.


	14. Chapter 14

Shuichi: Anyone wanna get in an argument with me?

Kokichi: Okay, cream cheese isn’t that good.

Shuichi: Wow, I was kidding, but fuck you for real.

-

Kaito: You into cars?

Shuichi: Yes, it truly was a masterpiece of film.

Kaito: No, I mean like are you a car person?

Shuichi: I’m a human.

-

Kokichi: I’ve been dropping him the most insanely obvious hints for, like, a year now. No response.

Shuichi: Wow, he sounds stupid.

Kokichi: But he’s not. He’s really smart actually. Just… dense.

Shuichi: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”

Kokichi: I guess you’re right. Hey, Shumai, I love you.

Shuichi: See? Just like that.

Kokichi: Holy fucking shit.

Shuichi: If that flies over his head, then sorry, Kichi, but he’s too dumb for you.

-

Shuichi: Apparently I’m going to a bingo night tonight.

Kokichi: Why?

Shuichi: I don’t know.

Kokichi: That’s fair.

-

Keebo: As your best friend-

Shuichi: Kichi is my best friend.

Keebo:

Keebo: AS YOUR BEST FRIEND

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kaito, Shuichi has been unexposed to the world for years, he has no idea how to converse like a human he doesn't understand your car person shit.


	15. Chapter 15

Kaito: Why are we lying in a parking lot?

Shuichi: You got your ass kicked unconscious, so I laid down next to you so people would think we’re just chillin.

-

Kokichi: Taco cat backwards is still taco cat.

Kaito: I don't know what to do with this information.

-

"An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough"  
— Kokichi, probably

-

Shuichi: hey, you wanna hear something dirty? 😉 

Kokichi: yes 

Shuichi: the kitchen. 

Kokichi: 

Shuichi: go clean the kitchen.

-

Shuichi: okay but

Shuichi: The Little Einsteins but instead of conducting Leo raps

Kaito: …

Kaito: you are lucky I’m not standing any closer to you

-

Shuichi: Kichi needs to eat healthier 

Kokichi: I promise you I have been eating some greens 

Shuichi: Green sour patch does not count.

-

Kokichi: [plays wii theme song on kazoo]

Kaito: Do you have to do that while I’m talking to you?

Kokichi: No.

Kokichi: [takes out saxophone and starts playing careless whisper


	16. Chapter 16

Kokichi: Shuichi, what’s wrong?

Shuichi: It’s nothing.

Kokichi: Just tell me.

Shuichi: Why do you need to know so bad?

Kokichi: So I can cheer you up!

Shuichi: It’s not your job to cheer me up.

Kokichi: Yes, it is. Cheering you up is my job.

Shuichi: Well then, you’re fired.

Kokichi: You can’t fire me. I’m union, bitch.

-

Kokichi: Shumai is a perfect cinnamon scone who’s never done anything wrong in his entire life!

Kaito: Never done anything wrong?! He set a city block on FIRE!

-

Kaito: Shuichi! Please do not play two different songs on two different stereos at the same time!

Shuichi: Screw you! I only listen to DOUBLE MUSIC!

-

Shuichi: Do you cook?

Kaito: I made a cake once.

Kokichi: Yeah, it was good.

Kaito: Really?

Kokichi: Don’t make me lie twice, Kaito.

-

Kaito, walking outside: Get the F out my yard!

Shuichi: [Running away with a giant letter F]

-

Kaito: Why is there a normal sized carrot in the bag of baby carrots?

Kokichi: They need adult supervision.

-

Shuichi: I am completely self motivated. If I want to do something, I’ll do it. Nobody can force me to start or stop.

Kokichi: There are two ways to get me motivated: Food and Spite. I’ve gotten this far on those two things.

-

Shuichi: I love sleepovers 

Kaito: This isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital 

Shuichi: Then why do i have this nightgown 

Kokichi: That’s a hospital gown 

Shuichi: Truth or dare 

Kaito: 

Shuichi: 

Kokichi: Dare

-

Shuichi: I’m gonna say the s word.

Shuichi: Shit.

Kokichi: WHAT THE FUUUCK DONT SAY THAT!

Kaito: STOP FUCKING SWEARING!

-

Shuichi: Guess what I’m about to get.

Kaito: On my nerves.

-

Kaito: Why were these hot chocolates in the oven, you could’ve burned the house down!

Kokichi: You asked for hot chocolate!

Kaito: Kokichi, I SWEAR TO-


	17. Chapter 17

Kokichi: *aggressive fortnite dancing*

Kaito: no

Shuichi: That’s a common reaction to Kokichi.

-

Shuichi: [to Tsumugi after she’s revealed as the mastermind] I'd tell you to go to hell, but you'd probably just feel at home there.

-

Shuichi: Words ending in “ie” are so cute. Like “cutie”, “sweetie”, “cookie”—

Maki: “Die.”

Shuichi: …

-

Shuichi: Z is just a sideways N

Kaito: it's 2am, please stop

Shuichi: Zo

-

Kokichi: Ikea is the Gucci of all furniture.

Kaito: Kokichi, please, it's 4 am. Get out of my room.

-

Shuichi: Kaito sneezed earlier and I accidentally said shut the fuck up instead of bless you

Kaede: How do you accidentally say shut the fuck up

-

Shuichi: If I was a skeleton, I would just say ‘that really rattles my bones’ in response to literally everything.


	18. Chapter 18

Shuichi: Are you drinking Panta for breakfast?

Kokichi: Yeah, what did you have for breakfast?

Shuichi: Nothing.

Kokichi: I'm doing better than you then.

-

Shuichi: I'm not all sunshine and rainbows, Taro! I have a dark side!

Rantaro: Alright, Shuichi, let me see your dark side face.

Shuichi: *makes a face*

Kokichi: Awww!

-

Shuichi: I wish you could block people in real life.

Keebo: Restraining order.

Kokichi: Murder.

-

Kaito: (holding up a box of Lofthouse cookies) It’s that time of the year again, when stores sell these bottom-of-the-barrel, flavorless piece of shit things they have the nerve to call cookies.

Kokichi: I don’t know who hurt you or how bad... but I need you to take this negativity out elsewhere. These cookies are the backbone of this nation.

-

Shuichi: Let’s watch Shark Boy and Lava Girl and make out during the scary parts.

Kokichi: Th- the scary parts?

Kokichi: Of Shark Boy and Lava Girl?

-

Kokichi: I can’t believe you guys are at this lame party.

Shuichi: You’re here, too.

Kokichi: Am I?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Rantaro is big brother Taro, change my mind.


	19. Chapter 19

Kaede: What's your favourite colour?

Shuichi: Kokichi Ouma.

Shuichi: Wait, what was the question again?

-

[Shuichi has his hand stuck to a fridge]

Kokichi: Shuichi, it’s 6 in the morning. Someone glue you to the fridge?

Shuichi: No.

Kokichi: Shuichi, did you glue yourself to the fridge?

Shuichi: …Yes.

-

Shuichi being in charge as the Protag: My first rule would be that no one can veto my rules.

Keebo: Well, that’s called tyranny, and it’s generally frowned upon.

-

Kaito: Tell me a random thing about space.

Shuichi: Abraham Lincoln is president of Mars.

Kaito: What the fuck?

Shuichi: I don’t know, Kokichi said it and it’s been haunting me since.

-

Kaede: Good morning.

Kaito: Good morning.

Rantaro: Good morning.

Kokichi: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit.

Shuichi, running in: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS

-

Kokichi, catching Shuichi almost dying by snooping: Shuichi!

Shuichi: Oh no, Shuichi in B-flat. You're disappointed.

-

Shuichi: You know, hugs are my drug of choice.


	20. Chapter 20

Kirumi: Kokichi, No! 

Kokichi, standing still: What?!

Kirumi: Sorry, force of habit. Shuichi, no!

Shuichi: Not me either.

Kirumi: Oh…

Kirumi: Then who lit the kitchen on fire?

Himiko, who accidentally used fire magic: *silent, in the corner*

-

Kokichi: We have fun, don’t we, Keeboy?

Keebo: I have never been more stressed out in my entire life.

-

Kokichi: *gives Shuichi the phone* Shumai, tell Kirumi everything is fine.

Shuichi: Hey, Kirumi, we haven't eaten for days, your plants are dead, and we’re on the edge of death. Love ya, bye!

-

Kokichi: What is this!?

Shuichi: That’s the weight of guilt. Give in to the nice side. Help those unfortunate, and make the guilt go away, my friend.

Kokichi: Ow! Make it stop!

Shuichi: Surrender to your kindness, Kichi. It’s nice to be nice.

Kokichi: Your guilt is strong, my friend. But it is no match for the power of my selfishness!

-

Kokichi: Are you ok?

Shuichi: Yeah, why?

Kokichi: Because you asked the clerk at the store earlier if damage repair shampoo worked on emotions.

-

Kokichi: Hey, do you know the password to Kaito’s computer?

Shuichi: Fuck you, Kokichi.

Kokichi: Hey!!

Shuichi: No, you misunderstood, the password is “fuckyoukokichi”.

Kokichi: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe.

-

Kaito: K

Shuichi: According to Wikipedia, The letter K comes from the the greek letter Kappa which was taken from the semitic kap, The symbol of an open hand

Kaito: The open hand that is gonna slap you the next time I see you

-

Kokichi: *sees a bee on Shuichi’s arm* 

Kokichi: *rolls up a newspaper* 

Kokichi: *uses it as a megaphone*

Kokichi: THERES A FUCKING BEE ON YOUR ARM

-

Kokichi: Shuichi, You have to listen to me! I’m, like, a year older than you!

Shuichi: I’m not gonna listen to a person who just tried to teach me a lesson with a puppet

Kokichi: *holding a puppet up* You leave Miss Sunshine out of this!

-

Kokichi: Where is my Panta??

Shuichi: *Quickly hides can of Panta* Uh, did you check under the fridge?

-

Kokichi: Why do we have to have feelings?

Shuichi: You don't. Get rid of them.


	21. Chapter 21

Kokichi: I am going to need you to swear- 

Shuichi: Fuck.

Kokichi:

Kokichi: …swear as in promise.

-

Shuichi: "What happens if you put a werewolf up on the moon" is a great question. Probably the best question ever.

Keebo: He will explode and die because there's no oxygen on the moon.

Kokichi: We never said we'd send him up without a suit, you absolute monster.

-

Shuichi, after receiving a text from Kokichi: I’ve left him on read for 6 minutes.

Miu: Play hard to get. Leave him on read for 7 minutes.

-

Kokichi: Hewwo! I will be youw suwgeon today! Intewnal bweeding you say? Wet’s make ouw fiwst wittle incision.

Shuichi: Doctow, we’re wosing them!!

Kokichi: Quick, hand me the defibwiwatow!

Kaito: Please, turn off my fucking life support.

-

Kokichi: Shuichi, you're my best friend. Last month, we shared a toothbrush.

Shuichi: I was not aware of that.

Kokichi: We did.

-

Shuichi: We are screwed.

Kokichi: Hey, no, hey. I don't wanna hear that defeatist attitude... I wanna hear you upbeat!

Shuichi: [more upbeat] We are screwed!

Kokichi: There ya go.

-

Kokichi: What does a winner do when life gives them lemons?

Shuichi: Um, make lemonade?

Kokichi: No, he squeezes them right back into life’s eyes!


	22. Chapter 22

Kokichi: Avenge my death.

Shuichi: You’re not dying, Kokichi.

Kokichi: AVENGE ME!

-

Kokichi: Want to know something weird?

Shuichi: First of all, it’s four in the morning. Second of all, continue.

-

Shuichi: I want my furry feet!

Keebo: Stop. Just say slippers.

-

Shuichi: [Kicks the door open, looking panicked]

Keebo: What did you do?!

Shuichi: NOBODY DIED!

Keebo: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

-

Kokichi: I think 8 is the hottest number. Like, look how thicc it is. Two C’s.

Shuichi: It is taking all my willpower to not slap you right now.

-

Shuichi: Fuck. That. I’m gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I’m a MAN.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of the quotes on based on Passed On since Shuichi worked for some people. But I'm not telling you which♪

Kokichi: Haha, do you guys dare me to make out with Shuichi?

Kiibo: … no?

Kokichi: *shakes his head while chuckling* I can’t believe you guys are making me do this.

Tsumugi: We’re… we’re not??

Shuichi: Let the man speak, Tsumugi.

-

Kaede: I always believe the cup is half full.

Kokichi: what if it’s empty?

Kaede: it’s just a saying.

Shuichi: you don’t even have a cup

-

Kaito: Hey, Shuichi, may I interest you in a quickie?

Shuichi: W-What!?

Kaito: You know, one of those egg thingys?

Shuichi:

Shuichi: OH.

Shuichi: It’s pronounced quiche, you idiot!

-

“Silence, bottom.”  
—Kokichi to Shuichi, on multiple occasions

-

Maki: Why didn’t you tell me?!

Shuichi: Because of your tendency to overreact!

Maki: *burying a knife in the table in a fit of rage* I do NOT overreact!

-

Shuichi: (in the middle of the night) Do you think pigeons have feelings?

Kaito: I’m gonna give you one more chance to shut the hell up.

-

Shuichi: You were happy once, Maki.

Maki: I was never happy. I was just less pissed off.

-

Tsumugi: I will ruin your happiness, no matter the cost!

Shuichi: My happiness?

Shuichi: *to the other survivors* I’m happy?

-

Shuichi: You hate me? Wow you think you’re hot shit and original huh? Well I hated me first so you can go grab a number and wait your turn.

-

Kokichi: You’re on a date when they refer to guacamole as avocado jelly. What do you do?

Maki: Bash their brains in.

Shuichi: Propose.

Tsumugi: Bold of you to assume I’m on a date.

-

Shuichi: When you've been a snooper as long as I have, you develop thick skin.

Miu: White is not your color.

Shuichi: WHITE BRINGS OUT MY EYES, YOU BITCH!

-

Shuichi: You're so tall, Maki. What can you see up there?

Maki: Everyone's flaws.

-

Kokichi: (Picks up Shuichi)

Shuichi: Do I even weigh anything to you?

Kokichi: No. It’s like holding a couple of grapes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll admit some of the quotes are based on the new story Passed On. Because of the people he's worked for. But I'm not telling you which


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shuichi can treat himself with Kaede try and stop me.

Kokichi: Hey guys, guess what number I’m thinking of.

Shuichi: 420?

Kokichi: No. That’s really immature of you. Someone else guess and please take this seriously.

Miu: 69?

Kokichi: Yeah, it was 69.

-

Miu: In this world, it’s milked or be milked

Kokichi: It is absolutely the fuck not, but thanks for the mental scar.

-

Shuichi: Dying sucks! How do you living beings cope with mortality?

Kaito: Violent outbursts.

Miu: General sluttiness.

Kokichi: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

-

Kokichi: Hey, Kaito, notice anything, you know, fishy about the couch?

Kaito, staring at a couch covered in Goldfish Crackers: ...Again?

-

Shuichi: You ever just want to go home but you have no idea where home is supposed to be?

Shuichi: You know that little “mrrph” sound cats make when you poke them? That’s adorable.

Shuichi: I just wanna be gay and do crime…

Kaito: Shuichi, are you having an existential crisis?

Shuichi: ...Yes

-

Kaede: What could be better than serving up smiles?

Shuichi: Being dead, or anything else.

-

Kaede: Once a year, Shuichi and I spend a day treating ourselves. What do we treat ourselves to?

Shuichi: Clothes.

Kaede: Treat yourself.

Shuichi: Fragrances.

Kaede: Treat yourself.

Shuichi: Massages.

Kaede: Treat yourself.

Shuichi: Vanilla Latte.

Kaede: Treat yourself.

Shuichi: Electronic devices.

Kaede: Treat yourself!

Shuichi: It's the best day of the year.

Together: The best day of the year!


	25. Chapter 25

Shuichi: *crying*

Kokichi: I will destroy every aspect of the known universe and burn whatever remains to ash in order to be sure I eradicated whatever hurt you.

Shuichi: I’d… rather have a hug.

Kokichi: Okay, sweetheart.

-

Kaito: If you want to be on my team, you’ll have to be able to go for days without eating, sleeping, or crying!

Maki: No eating?

Rantaro: No sleeping?

Shuichi: NO CRYING?!

-

Kiibo: Is he always like this when he loses?

Shuichi: Oh, yes. You should have been here for the great Jenga tantrum of 2008.

Kokichi: *screaming* YOU BUMPED THE TABLE AND YOU KNOW IT!

-

Shuichi: Are you flirting with me?

Kokichi: Have been for the past year, but thanks for noticing.

-

Kokichi: (Pulls curtain back while Shuichi is in the shower)

Kokichi: Are we- stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Panta?

-

“I was lying. It was a lie. To get drugs. You know, like a crime.”  
—Kokichi

-

Shuichi: I wasn’t that drunk last night

Kokichi: you started cutting pineapples at 3 am while yelling, “stop hiding, Spongebob! I know you're in there!”

Shuichi:

Shuichi: But did I find him though?

-

*Kokichi gets cartoonishly squashed like a pancake*

Kokichi: If this happened to a cartoon character, they would just say “AIEEEE” or “YAAAGH” and then resume their shape... I, on the other hand, am experiencing pain like you wouldn’t believe.

-

Tsumugi: Why are you doing this? You hate people in your space.

Shuichi: Nonsense. I'm an easy going guy.

Tsumugi: Okay. I once saw you use a ruler to measure another ruler.

Shuichi: It was off by half a centimeter. It never should have been in circulation.


	26. Chapter 26

Kokichi: Shuichi? Where are you?

Kokichi: could someone put a frickn’ bell on him or something?

-

Kokichi: hey are you still alive

Kokichi: awake*

Shuichi: wish I wasn’t 

Kokichi: alive or awake?

Shuichi: yes

-

Rantaro: Truth or dare?

Kokichi: Dare.

Rantaro: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room.

Kokichi: Hey Miu…

Miu, blushing: Yeah?

Kokichi: Could you move? I’m trying to get to Shuichi.

-

Shuichi: I found this blood-stained tape somewhere in the game.

Kokichi: I didn’t know they had Flex Tape!

Shuichi: I meant a film tape.

Kokichi: Flex Film?

Shuichi: No.

-

Kokichi: Do you think horses get songs stuck in their heads?

Kaito: Oh my God. I don’t know. Kokichi, go to sleep.

-

Kokichi: I love him.

Kiibo: You met him Sunday. It's barely Thursday morning.

-

Shuichi: Kaito, this is going to hurt…

Kaito: My anger dulls the pain.

Miu: *holding a bottle of vodka* This will dull it better.

-

Shuichi: eating sixteen candy bars isn’t healthy, Kokichi

Kokichi: neither is sleep deprivation, Shuichi, but here we are

Shuichi:

-

Shuichi: wouldn’t it be messed up if fruits were sentient and could feel things when we ate them?

Kaito: Shuichi, repeat after me

Kaito:

Shuichi:

Kaito:

Shuichi: you aren’t saying anything

Kaito: exactly

-

Shuichi, watching the news: some idiot tried to fight a duck at the park

Kaito, covered in bite marks and feathers: well maybe the duck was being a dick

-

Shuichi, to Kokichi: hey… so.. uhh,.. [looks at notecards] did you uh.. did… you fall out of heaven because um [drops cards] shit fuck oh god fuck I’m so sorry you’re- youre just so. gorgeous I m sorry-

-

Shuichi: How much Panta have you drunk today?

Kokichi: *lying in a bed of empty bottles*

Kokichi: Now is not the time to talk about my personal flaws.

-

Kokichi: I love you.

Shuichi: I love you more.

Kokichi: No, I love you more

Shuichi: No, I love you more.

Kaito: I'd love if y'all didn't do this in the group chat.

-

Shuichi: when I was your age-

Kokichi: when I was your height-

Shuichi:

Shuichi: [storms out]

Shuichi, coming back with a step stool: LISTEN-

-

Shuichi: Kokichi, do you have a driver’s license?

Kokichi: [evil laughter]

-

Shuichi: ah, yes, the 20’s, what a great time to be alive

Kokichi: it’s only been 2020 for a day

Shuichi: I meant the 1920’s

Shuichi: when I wasn’t alive

Shuichi: I wish it were the 1920’s

Kokichi: yeah, you’re going back to therapy

-

Shuichi: this year I want to be less self deprecating

Kaede: that’s awesome to hear!

Shuichi: it’ll be hard because I’m such a little shit

Kaede:

Shuichi: sorry, force of habit

-

Shuichi: so Kokichi pissed me off yesterday so I changed my phone background to another man’s picture

Kaede: oh come on now, Shuichi, you guys are married, you really think Kokichi is that insecure-

Kokichi, yelling from another room: BABE! WHO THE FUCK IS THIS??

-

“I’m no sociopath. I always know what I’m doing is wrong.”  
— Shuichi

-

Shuichi: We’ve gotta find a way to cut down on expenses. What can we live without?

Maki: Probably Kokichi.

-

Kaito: Would you please not saiouma this into a situation worse than it already is.

Kokichi: Hang on, did you just use our names as a verb?

-

Kokichi (staring at Shuichi): Our babies will be smart and beautiful.

Maki: Not to mention imaginary.

-

Shuichi: Alright, now everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have a minute.

Rantaro: Why? Are you in a hurry?

Shuichi: No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans.

-

Shuichi: What if I pour coffee in my cereal instead of milk?

Kokichi, taking the coffee pot as he walks by: What if you don’t.

-

Shuichi: I win!

Kaito: I have you pinned to the ground?

Shuichi: I know ;)

-

Shuichi: what’s something you can say to rotisserie chicken and a loved one?

Kokichi: I prefer you without skin ;)

Shuichi: …what?

-

Shuichi: what are you in the mood for?

Kokichi: world domination

Shuichi: that’s a bit much for you, Kichi.

Kokichi: you’re my world, Shumai.

Shuichi: aww

Shuichi:

Shuichi: wait-

-

Shuichi: If I run and jump at Rantaro, he'll almost certainly catch me in his arms.

Shuichi: Coming in!

Rantaro: No Shuichi, I'm holding coffee-

Rantaro: [Drops coffee on floor and catches Shuichi]

-

Maki: We have to lure them out.

Shuichi: Oh, okay. Set the place on fire?

-

Shuichi: It’s always a shame when they preserve bodies instead of letting them gently decompose and become the mud we walk on until nothing but those shiny little bones are left.

Kaito: Shuichi... I just asked you if you had any 4s.

Shuichi: Oh! Go fish.

-

Kaito: *sees today is 4/20 on the calendar*

Kaito: Ha ha, NIIIIICE!

Shuichi: You have literally never done a single drug in your whole life.

-

Shuichi: Kokichi, I'm afraid you've gone mad with power.

Kokichi: Of course I have! Have you ever tried going mad without power? It's boring. No one listens to you.

-

Shuichi: I have a plan. It might get us both killed, but if it works it'll be a totally boss story. Cool?

Kaito: No! It's not cool!

Shuichi: Cool.

Kaito: No, I said it's not cool!

-

Kiibo: Shuichi told me I’m “cute af”, which I assume stands for “and fun”.

Miu: awww. it doesn’t.

-

Kokichi: okay Shuichi

Kokichi: I’m just gonna get myself some Panta

Kokichi: I’m going to be in that room right next door, ok?

Shuichi: ok

Kokichi: so don’t do anything stupid

Shuichi: alright

Kokichi: *leaves*

Shuichi: now seems like a good time to see how long I can dangle from the windowsill with one hand


	27. Chapter 27

Shuichi: how do I look?

Kokichi, staring at Shuichi’s ass: fantastic!

Shuichi: are you talking about me or my ass again, Kokichi?

Kokichi, still staring at said ass: yes

-

Shuichi: I scare people lots because I walk very softly and they don’t hear me enter rooms so when they turn around I’m just kind of there and their fear fuels me

Kokichi: how did you get in my room?

Shuichi: exactly

-

Shuichi [Filming]: I don’t know if this is a sign, but I’m in the bathroom of this bar and this mirror literally has blood dripping from it.

Shuichi: But I’m gonna go order another beer, so we’re good!

-

Miu: Thinking outside of the box? How about we don’t.

Miu: Put the thoughts in the box.

Miu: Put it in the heart-shaped box.

Miu: THOUGHTS! SEX! WOOT!

Shuichi: The fuck?

-

“I tried cooking something from scratch… and ended up summoning a demon.”  
— Shuichi

-

Shuichi: Kokichi, get your hand off my ass.

Kokichi: It was an accident.

Shuichi: It's still there.

Kokichi: It's still an accident!

-

Miu: Kokichi has this burn book where he writes mean things about everyone.

Shuichi: what does it say about me?

Miu: ...you’re not in it

Shuichi: that bitch

-

Kaede: Do you ever want to talk about your emotions, Kokichi?

Kokichi: No.

Shuichi: I do.

Kaede: I know, Shuichi.

Shuichi: I’m sad.

Kaede: I know, Shuichi.

-

Shuichi: Truth is, I only know of one platonic relationship.

Kokichi: Our friendship?

Shuichi: Don’t make me laugh, you wanna hit this so hard. Im talking about me and Kiibo.

-

Shuichi: That’s okay. I take criticism really well.

Kokichi: ...No you don’t.

Shuichi: What’s that supposed to mean?!

Kokichi: Just, that you don’t take criticism very well,

Shuichi: WHY DON’T YOU JUST KICK ME IN THE FACE?!

-

Kaito: Shuichi gave me a get better soon card.

Kaede: Oh, that was nice of him.

Kaito: I wasn’t sick. He just thought I could do better.

-

[Shuichi’s alone]

Monokuma: *creeping up behind him*

Shuichi, loudly: I hope no one’s about to kill me, because I’m thinking about making cookies later!

Monokuma, pausing: …

Monokuma: …What kind?

-

Kiibo: You’re not in any pain, are you?

Shuichi: no, I’m fine.

Shuichi: I mean, I'm fine physically. but emotionally I’ve lost all grip on reality and I’m not sure what just happened.

-

Shuichi: Sometimes I talk to myself for no reason.

Shuichi: Me too.

-

Kokichi: Panta for me, and a juice box for him.

Shuichi: Kichi, I'm an adult now. I can order my own juice box.

-

Shuichi: The best part of an oreo is the black cookie part and not the frosting part. Deal with it.

Kokichi: Darkness without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You cannot have a coin with one side.

Kaito: Yo Socrates, it’s a fucking cookie.

-

Shuichi: What if I start mixing energy drinks and black coffee?

Kokichi: Hell yeah, there’s no god here to judge us.

-

**Kokichi, Kaito, Rantaro, and Shuichi in real life**

Kokichi: Hey, how’s everyone doing?

Kaito: I’m doing well, thanks.

Rantaro: I as well.

Shuichi: Same here.

**Kokichi, Kaito, Rantaro, and Shuichi online**

Kokichi: what’s up everyone i’m horny i’m hungry i’m tired and i wanna fuck Shumai

Kaito: mood

Rantaro: same

Shuichi: me too thanks

-

Shuichi: Every conversation I have with you people is weirder than the last.

Kaede: You say ‘you people’ like you’re not basically a part of this family. Well, bad news, Shu: you’re already on the Christmas card.

-

Maki: You’re on thin ice

Shuichi: No I'm standing on the floor

Maki: It’s an expression

Shuichi: Its dirt

-

Shuichi: What’s the password?

Kaito: What?

Shuichi: Nope.

Kaito: OPEN THIS DOOR!

Shuichi: Not even close.

-

Kokichi: I really wanted dessert, but I didn’t have anything in my room… so I just went to the kitchen and ate an entire jar of sprinkles. Do you think I’ll die??

-

Shuichi: What’s going on?

Kokichi: Shuichi, in this house we have two rules. Rule 1: Don’t leave your wet towels on the floor. We’ll cycle back to that. Rule 2: If you’re going to be out later than eleven, you need to let someone know.

Shuichi: You can’t be serious.

Kokichi: I can and I am. Now, about the towels-

Shuichi: You know I’m not a child, right? C’mon Kiibo!

Kaede: You could have been dead in a ditch and we would have never known!

Shuichi: Oh boy.

-

Kokichi: hey Shuichi, don’t know if you noticed, but I slipped a little note in your lunch to say how much I love you!

Shuichi: thanks, that’s really sweet, but-

Shuichi, holding up a ten-page letter: this is not a little note

-

Kokichi: I am a HARDENED leader. I take no bullshit in this godforsaken world. I am independent, strong-

Shuichi: *falls asleep and falls on Kokichi’s lap*

Kokichi, in tears: oh my god

-

Miu: Hey Shuichi, did you know that “thot” means “thoughtful person”?

Shuichi: Really? I didn’t know that new slang.

[later]

Shuichi: Thank you so much for helping me with dinner, Kokichi. You’re such a thot.

Kokichi, wheezing: I’m a WHAT?

-

Shuichi: That giant box is Kokichi’s gift for me?

Miu: Yep.

Shuichi: He's inside, isn't he?

Miu: Yep.

-

Kokichi: A pet rock is a fun pet until you realize that it's essentially immortal and you've damned it to an eternity of watching its loved ones die.

Kaito: Please let me sleep.

-

Kaede: Wow, Shuichi! This is really good! Good job!

Shuichi, who doesn’t know how to take a compliment: Don’t forget to smash that like button!

-

Shuichi: Hey, do you think I could eat a walnut shell?

Kaito: Dude, I’m pretty sure those are poisonous..

Shuichi, softly: Ferb, I know what we’re gonna do today…

-

Kokichi: I've only known Shuichi for a day and a half. But if anything happened to him, I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

-

Maki: Hey, I’m going to McDonalds, you want anything?

Shuichi: I want Kokichi back.

Maki: ...Yeah, I got like 12 dollars

-

Shuichi: I’m microwaving some soda.

Kaito: You really did give up on getting your life back together.

-

Shuichi: *opens the fridge*

Kokichi, sitting inside the empty fridge: where’s the food??

-

Kaito: Ha! My win!

Kokichi: I was going easy on you. Let’s make it 29 out of 57.

Shuichi: For the love of- JUST WASH THE DISHES ALREADY

-

[Some of the students trapped somewhere]

Kaede: Shuichi! He’ll have a plan! He always has a plan!

[meanwhile]

Kokichi: got a plan?

Shuichi: no

-

Shuichi: look, my gingerbread house represents me!

Kokichi: beautiful and sweet?

Shuichi: no, barely put together and on the verge of falling apart

Kokichi: Shuichi, no-

-

Kokichi: bigfoot, but fully shaved

Shuichi: Mr. Clean

Kaito: you two are why I have anxiety

-

Shuichi: Wait. You're forgetting something.

Tsumugi: What?

Shuichi: Well, being the Mastermind, you are contractually required to explain your plan before you get rid of me.

-

“Welcome to my club, you can only join if you have a tragic backstory.”  
—Shuichi

-

Shuichi: I already have a tattoo.

Kiibo: What? Where? Why? How? When?

Shuichi: I will never talk about it again.

-

Shuichi: Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist right?

Kiibo: You’re wrong.

Shuichi, not missing a beat: So kiss me.

-

Tsumugi: What are your names?

Kokichi: Don't tell her, Shuichi!

Tsumugi: [writing] Shuichi…

Shuichi: Seriously Kokichi?

Tsumugi: [writing] and Kokichi.

-

Kokichi: Haha, goodbyes are so awkward. Like, do I go in for a kiss, or what?

McDonald’s employee: Please just take your food.

-

Shuichi: I'mma toast you so bad even your dad won’t recognize you!

Kiibo: Oh yeah? Well I heard your uncle called off the search for you!

Shuichi: …

Shuichi: *sobbing*

-later-

Kiibo: Oh... so when you’re smack talking it’s not supposed to be true?

Kokichi, comforting Shuichi: No!

-

Kaede: I can’t believe you guys broke the bed!

Miu: You two must have gone /wild/ last night!

Shuichi: Uh, yeah…

-Flashback to the night before-

Kokichi: Hey Shuichi, bet you can’t jump high enough to touch the ceiling!

Shuichi: THE FUCK I CAN’T! YOU’RE ON!!!

-

Kaede: Hey, Shuichi, I like your top!

Shuichi: Thanks! I just got it yester-

Kokichi: Uh, I have a name.

Shuichi:

Miu, in the distance: *bursts into laughter*

-

Shuichi: Aww, Kiibo did the dishes!

Kokichi: How do you know I didn’t do them?

Shuichi: Because, once, when all the knives were dirty, you cut a bagel with your pocket knife.

-

Kokichi: She was poetry, but he couldn’t read

Shuichi: His name was Jarred, he’s nineteen

Rantaro: When his parents built a very strange machine

Tsumugi: Watch that scene dig it the dancing queen!

Miu: AAAYYYYYYY MACARENA!!!!!

Maki: …Horrible job, everyone

-

Kokichi: You can never lose an argument if you say 'shut up, nerd’ at the end.

Shuichi: Yes, you can.

Kokichi: Shut up, nerd.

-

Kokichi: Are you okay?

Shuichi, crying: Yeah, it was just these onions

Kokichi, to the onions: What the fuck did you say to Shuichi?

-

Kokichi: I had a dream that I drank 40 liters of vodka, entered a horse race, and won

Kokichi: I should specify that I entered not as a jockey but as a horse

Shuichi: were you physically a horse or a human entering as a horse? Did you have a jockey?

Kokichi: I was a human entering as a horse, no jockey, just me running like the fucking wind

-

“I once quoted a Vine in front of Shuichi and Kokichi. Nobody believes them and now they live in fear of my supposed knowledge of the internet. It’s delightful.”  
—Maki, probably

-

*Kokichi, Shuichi, and Kaito have been captured*

Kokichi: *laying on the floor playing with dolls* ...So if I stand here and Shuichi stands here, and Kaito stands ever so slightly to the left of me, and Shuichi steps on this and Kaito throws that at the window…

Shuichi: Kokichi, it’s 3 in the morning. What are you doing?

Kokichi: I was planning our daring escape, of course! You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get 27 feet of rope, would you?

Shuichi: ...You haven’t slept at all tonight, have you?

Kokichi: Not a bit.

-

Shuichi, about Kokichi: I would never say that my husband is a bitch and I don’t like him. That’s not true… My husband is a bitch and I like him so much!

-

Kaede: What’s wrong?

Shuichi: Everything. Except for the way I dress, obviously

-

Kokichi: Couldn’t sleep either?

Shuichi: Yeah, bad thoughts, the usual.

Kokichi: What was it for you?

Shuichi: How the fuck does wind work, like how the fuck? Does it go?

Kokichi, nodding: Mine was eels.

-

Kokichi: Shuichi has these insanely strong opinions on everything. Go on, ask him a thing no one should have an opinion on.

Kaito: Hey, Shuichi, what’s the worst multiple of four?

Shuichi: Twelve, obviously. Dumbass.

-

Kokichi: I mean, I can understand hating someone so much you want to kill them…

Shuichi: Do you have someone like that, Kokichi?

Kokichi: Nope. Do you?

Shuichi, pondering: Someone I want to kill?

[Shuichi thinks for several moments]

Kokichi: Uh, you don’t need to think so hard about it.

[Shuichi continues to quietly think even longer]

Kokichi, visibly anxious: Huh..?

Shuichi: Can’t think of anyone.

Kokichi: Don’t take so long then! You actually scared me!


	28. Chapter 28

Shuichi: I don’t even have the time to tell you how wrong you are.

Kaito:

Shuichi: Actually, it’s gonna bug me if I don’t.

-

Shuichi: Kiibo, we tried things your way.

Kiibo: No, we didn't.

Shuichi: I did it in my head and it didn't work..

-

Shuichi: Wow this parking job is about as straight as I am

Kaito: I know I should focus on you coming out to me right now, but did you just INSULT my fucking parking

-

Kaito: That's not funny.

Shuichi: I thought it was funny.

Kaito: You don't count. You started laughing in the middle of a funeral because you started thinking of a meme you saw on Facebook.

-

Shuichi: Are you cooking?

Kokichi: Yup!

Shuichi: Are you sure that’s a good idea after last time? You looked really disturbing without eyebrows.

-

Shuichi: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came home late.

Maki: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that and then showing up again.

-

Shuichi: Smelling is just breathing normally and thinking about it more

Kaito: Get out of my room

-

Kaito: Which way did he go?

Kokichi: Well, based on the direction of the wind, the broken sticks in the corner, and the slight disturbance in the dirt, I'd guess he went left.

Kaito: You could really figure it out from that?

Kokichi: No, you idiot, he sent me a text. See?

-

Kaito: Yesterday I overheard Shuichi saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Kokichi replying “Trust me.” and I have never moved from one room to another so fast in my life.

-

Shuichi: I wasn't hurt that badly. Kirumi said all my bleeding was internal. That's where the blood's supposed to be.

-

Kokichi: Fuck capitalism. It’s a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn’t fair. You shouldn’t need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.

Kokichi, playing monopoly: sorry, if you wanted to win you should’ve tried not being poor.

-

Rantaro: Shuichi, can I speak to you for a minute? In private.

Shuichi: Ooh, someone's in trouble. It's me. I don't know why I did that.

-

Kaede: What are you doing?

Shuichi: Helping Kokichi look for his pack of Pantas that I drank an hour ago.

-

Maki: *Locks Kokichi in the car.* Act like a child, get treated like a child.

Kokichi: What? Isn't it illegal to leave a child locked in a car?


	29. Chapter 29

Kokichi: Write “Nothing is set in stone” on my grave as both a witty pun and a subtle warning that I’ll be back.

-

Shuichi: We both look very cute tonight.

Kokichi: You know, if you'd just said that I looked cute, I would have said, "So do you."

Shuichi: I couldn't take that chance.

-

Kokichi: I am a technological genius.

Shuichi: You duct taped a gun to a Roomba.

Kokichi: Behold, the Doomba!

-

Kaito: What's wrong with you?

Shuichi: Off the top of my head, I'd say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition for anxiety and depression.

-

Kaito: Can you be quiet?! I'm trying to think.

Shuichi: Don't worry. Doing anything for the first time is difficult

-

Kokichi: murder literally doesn’t hurt anyone

Kokichi: You can ask anyone who has been murdered and they literally have nothing to say on the topic. It clearly doesn’t matter to them

-

Kaito: I trusted you!

Shuichi: Why?

-

Kokichi: Despite what you may think, Shuichi is vaccinated. I had to use a blowgun, but I got him

-

Kokichi: Shuichi, where have you been? You left your headphones in your desk and I assumed you were dead.

Shuichi: Uh, I would clearly be buried with my headphones

-

Kokichi: Let’s all just take a moment to be glad our organs don’t itch.

Wendy’s employee: Sir this is a Wendy’s drivethrough

-

Shuichi: I have edge.

Kokichi: You really don't. You are literally the most wide-eyed person I've ever seen. You have the face of a cartoon lamb.

-

Kokichi: Due to the coronavirus, I will not shake hands or hug anyone. You may instead kneel or bow to me.

-

Kaede: Just be yourself, say something nice.

Kokichi: Which one? I can't do both

-

Kaito: What is your problem? Does seeing me fail somehow make you feel better about your sad, miserable life?

Shuichi: It does, 100%

-

Shuichi: Kiibo, I think you should play the role of my father.

Kiibo: I don't want to be your father.

Shuichi: That's perfect. You already know your lines.

-

Shuichi: I can explain.

Kaede: Can you?

Shuichi: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.

-

Kokichi: Before I do anything, I ask myself, would Shuichi do that? And if the answer is yes, I do not do that thing. (For example, would Shuichi go into that dangerous dark hall where a demonic sound came from and will most likely end in painful death? If so, Kokichi will not do that thing because there's doing crazy things for fun and then there's walking into certain death)

-

Kokichi: yes hello, 911? I accidentally raised my voice at Shuichi and I need to be arrested

Operator: Mr. Ouma, we’ve talked about this

-

Kokichi: I made tea.

Shuichi: I don't want tea.

Kokichi: I didn't make tea for you. This is my tea.

Shuichi: Then why are you telling me?

Kokichi: It's a conversation starter.

Shuichi: That's a lousy conversation starter.

Kokichi: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.


	30. Chapter 30

Kokichi: Maybe plants are really farming us, giving us oxygen until we eventually expire and turn into mulch which they can consume

Kaito: W- What-

-

Kaito: Am I cool or what?

Shuichi: What.

Kaito: I said, am I cool or-

Shuichi: Yeah, I heard you.

-

Shuichi: I need advice

Kokichi, eating raw cookie dough from the bowl: You’ve come to the right person.

-

Miu: Those pants look great, and I bet they’d look even better on Kokichi’s floor.

Kokichi: Are you hitting on Shuichi... for me?

-

Maki: I’m organizing a surprise party for Kokichi.

Kaede: Don’t you hate Kokichi?

Maki, filling balloons with bees: Yep.

-

Shuichi: We're going mattress shopping.

Kokichi: You know, once we get it, we'll have to break it in.

Shuichi: Oh, I hear what you're saying. Mattress trampoline.

Kokichi:

Shuichi: Wait, no. You were talking about sex.

-

Kokichi: *takes free sample twice*

Kokichi: I love robbery and fraud

-

Kaede: Uh oh.

Shuichi: What?

Kaede: Somebody's in love.

Shuichi: Yeah, right. I just think Kokichi's cool. It's not like I lay awake at night thinking about him.

Shuichi, later that night: Uh oh.

-

Kokichi: It would be nice to change the world, you know?

Shuichi: For the better?

Kokichi:

Shuichi: Answer me

-

Shuichi: Oh, babe. I didn't want whipped cream.

Kokichi: Well let me fix it for you, babe.

Kaito: And this isn't soy.

Maki: Sucks to be you.

-

Shuichi: when Kaito was reading the exorcist he considered it the “most evil book he had ever read". So evil he couldn’t finish it. One weekend he threw it into the ocean.

Shuichi: so I went to the bookstore and picked up another copy, put it in a river, and then put it in his dresser.

-

Kaito: Kokichi! Do you have a moment to-

Kokichi: I’m busy now, Space man.

Rantaro: Kokichi, you got a call from Shuichi.

Kokichi: [blushes] Shumai! Hi, how are you today?

Kaito: Are you kidding me?

-

Kokichi: I’m going to get soup.

Shuichi: Be careful not to burn yourself, it’s hot.

Kokichi, leaving the room: Pff. I’m not going to burn myself.

[30 seconds later]

Kokichi, entering the room: I burned myself.

-

Kaede: we know you and Kokichu are dating

Shuichi, thinking: act dumb

Shuichi: who’s kokichi?

Shuichi, thinking: not that dumb!

-

Shuichi: *yawns*

Kokichi: being beautiful must be tiring, huh?

Shuichi: then you must be exhausted

Kokichi: *blushes furiously*

-

Kokichi: Marriage? I don’t know, we still seem to be at the boyfriend stage.

Shuichi: WE FUCKED FOUR TIMES AND HAD A  **KID** , KOKICHI

-

Kokichi: Being gay isn’t a choice.

Kokichi: (sweeps Shuichi into a bridal carry) It’s a game, and I’m winning.

-

Kaito : you're smiling, did something good happen?

Maki : Can't I just smile because I feel like it?

kaede : Kokichi and Shuichi tripped on the parking lot

-

Kaito: Why are you in love with Kokichi?

Shuichi: He’s everything I’ve ever dreamed off!

Kaito: …You KNOW He’s just trying to kill you, right?

Shuichi:  _ Exactly _ .

-

Kokichi: Do you think different laundry detergents have different tastes?

Shuichi: They do.

Kokichi:

Kokichi: Why did you say that with such certainty?

-

Shuichi:"Here you go, a nice hot cup of tea"

Kokichi:"It's cold"

Shuichi:"Nice cup of tea"

Kokichi:"It's horrible"

Shuichi:"Cup of tea"

Kokichi:"Is this even tea?"

Shuichi:"Cup"

-

Shuichi: What’s your favorite type of music?

Kokichi: Your moan.

Shuichi:

Kokichi:

Kaito:

Kiibo:

Kokichi: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)


	31. Chapter 31

Shuichi: I’ll steal everything you have.

Kokichi, thinking: You won’t steal my heart.

Shuichi: You look stunning by the way.

Kokichi, under his breath: Fuck.

-

Kokichi: Do you like me?

Shuichi: Yes.

Kokichi: Really? *pouts*

Shuichi: You really think I would keep up with all of your bullshit if I didn’t love you?

Kokichi, blushing: OMG you just said you love me.

Shuichi: We’ve been dating for three years.

-

Kokichi: What’ll make you feel better?

Shuichi: [shrugs]

Kokichi: Do you want a cookie?

Shuichi: [nods]

-

Shuichi: i do not have a crush on Kokichi!!

Shuichi: he’s just someone i stare at and think about all the time and when he’s not there it ruins my day

-

Shuichi: [drunk] You're the hottest boyfriend I've ever had.

Kokichi: I'm your husband.

-

Kokichi and Shuichi: 3… 2… 1… Happy new year! [start kissing]

Kaito: Guys, it’s not even midnight yet, can you stop making out every time the microwave goes off?

-

Shuichi: That's ridiculous, Kokichi doesn't have a crush on me

Kaede: Yes he does

Rantaro: Yes he does

Tsumugi: Yes he does

Miu: Yes he does

Kokichi: Yes i do

-

Shuichi: I wish I was pretty

Shuichi: I wish I was smart

Shuichi: I wish I wasn’t bad at things

Shuichi: I wish I could be better

Shuichi: I wish I wasn’t crippled with anxiety

Kokichi: I wish you could see you’re perfect just the way you are

-

Rantaro: Start with a compliment. Tell him he looks thin.

Kokichi, to Shuichi: You seem malnourished.

-

Shuichi *searching in the wardrobe* geez im out of tops, this time

Kokichi: you know that im standing right here in front of you

-

Shuichi: Hi

Kokichi: You are my boyfriend I decided

-

Shuichi: [accidentally brushes Kokichi’s hand with his own]

Kokichi: [agressivelly holds Shuichi’s hand]

Kokichi: Fucking commit to it.

-

Kaede, to Shuichi: Are you a big spoon or a little spoon?

Shuichi: I'm a knife.

Kokichi, from across the room: He just wraps all four limbs around me and then clings. He's a koala.

-

Kokichi: Why are there so many photos of flowers and sunsets and then like twenty of me?

Shuichi: I only take photos of things I find beautiful.

Kokichi: ...Oh.

-

Kokichi: Everything’s going to be fine. It’s just a crush.

Shuichi: Hey, Kokichi!

Kokichi: I love you.

-

Shuichi, eating silently: Why are you looking at me like that?

Kokichi: Shh... I'm appreciating art.

Shuichi: *blushes*

-

Shuichi: Can you turn on the lights?

Kokichi: I don’t have to. You’re the only light I need in my life.

Shuichi: Kichi honey, I can’t see.

-

Kaito, to Kokichi and Shuichi: I don’t get it. How do you two work together as a couple?

Kokichi: Shuichi and I have the exact same life philosophy. The only people you can really trust are the ones you know will stab you in the back at the first given opportunity.

Shuichi: So, naturally, we trust each other completely.

-

Kiibo: What are you reading?

Kokichi: A book of things I love.

Kiibo: Kokichi, that’s just a photo album of Shuichi.

Kokichi: What a coincidence.

-

Director: Cut! Kokichi, you have to be angry at Shuichi! You’re supposed to be fighting in this scene, remember?

Kokichi: I can’t be mad at Shuichi, though! Look at him! It’s like trying to be angry at a goddamn cinnamon roll!

-

Shuichi: Thank you.

Kokichi: For what?

Shuichi: For worrying about me.

-

Shuichi: This year, I lost my dear boyfriend, Kichi.

Kokichi: Quit telling everybody I’m dead!

Shuichi: Sometimes, I can still hear his voice…

-

Kaito: Is that bubble gum ice cream

Kokichi: Well, it’s not simply bubble gum ice cream. It’s Frosty Double Bubble Blast Off.

Kaito [to Shuichi]: Why are you with him?

Shuichi: I find him whimsical.

-

Shuichi: I just love the eight wonders of the world.

Kokichi: But there is only seven of them.

Miu: Clearly you've never seen me naked.

-

Shuichi: [nudges Kokichi awake]

Kokichi: What’s wrong?

Shuichi: Hey, do you like me?

Kokichi: Shuichi, I married you.

Shuichi: Yes, but did you marry me as a friend or, like, a boyfriend? Unclear.

-

Kaito: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited

Kaede: If?

Shuichi: Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and he might not even die

-

Kokichi: I’m just too mature for that.

Shuichi: The other day you slipped on ice while Naruto running.

Kaede: I saw you lick the floor because someone on minecraft told you not to.

Kaito: I once saw you eat cold spaghetti while watching cartoons.

Maki: You exist.

-

Shuichi: Kokichi and I are really drunk. He tried to kiss me twice already.

Kaito: Shuichi, dude, you can’t hook up with Kokichi.

Shuichi: Relax, I won’t.

[four hours later]

Shuichi: I hooked up with Kokichi.

Kaito: Aaaaaaaaa.

Shuichi: Nine times.

Kaito: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

-

Kokichi: Absolutely nothing catches me off guard

Shuichi: [smiles]

Kokichi:

Kokichi: Nevermind

-

Kaede: PLOT TWIST: You are your crush’s crush.

Shuichi: Unrealistic. Blocked.


	32. Chapter 32

Kokichi: I’ll order for us. I know how this works

Shuichi: Okay

Kokichi: What does the chef recommend?

Employee: Sir, this is McDonalds

-

Shuichi: Is stabbing someone immoral?

Kokichi: Not if they consent to it.

Maki: Depends who you’re stabbing.

Kiibo: YES?!?

-

Shuichi: [is sad]

Kokichi: [begins breakdancing gently] What’s wrong, babe?

-

Kokichi [bad at flirting]: I really like your name

Shuichi [equally bad at flirting]: Thanks I got it for my birthday

-

Kokichi: For Halloween, I’m gonna be emotional.

Shuichi: Why?

Kokichi: Because nobody will know it’s me.

-

Rantaro: How’s the prettiest person in the world doing?

Shuichi: [barely gives Rantaro a glance] I don’t know.

Shuichi: [casually turns to Kokichi] How are you?

Kokichi: I’m fine.

Shuichi: He’s fine.

-

Kokichi: “Ladies and gentlemen” is unnecessarily gendered, overly formal, lengthy, and honestly I’m falling asleep already

Kokichi: “Cowards”, on the other hand, is inclusive to all genders, to the point, and dramatic

-

Kokichi: Dear friends, your Christmas gift this year… is me. That’s right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed.

-

Kokichi: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

-

Kokichi: 'Person of interest' is almost too flattering.

Kokichi: Like, if the police were to pound on my door and go, 'A man has been murdered in your building and you are a person of interest,' I'd be like, 'Moi? Oh, do go on.'

-

Shuichi: You’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens, but I made a mistake.

-

Shuichi: I’ve come to a point in my life where I need a stronger word than fuck

-

Shuichi: I’d like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

-

Shuichi: People are always asking me if I'm a morning person or a night person.

Shuichi: And I'm just like, 'Buddy! I'm barely even a PERSON!'

-

Shuichi: I’m going to defeat you with the power of friendship! ... And this knife I found.

-

Shuichi: Not trying to brag or anything, but I can wake up without an alarm clock now simply due to my crippling and overwhelming anxiety, so


	33. Chapter 33

Shuichi: BEHOLD, the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!

-

Kokichi: You can de-escalate any situation by simply saying, 'Are we about to kiss?'

Kokichi: Doesn't work for getting out of speeding tickets, by the way.

-

Shuichi: You wanna see how hardcore I am?

Shuichi *punches wall*

Shuichi: Take me to the hospital.

-

Kokichi: *holding a bottle* Is this whiskey or perfume? 

Shuichi: *chugs entire bottle* 

Shuichi: It’s perfume.

-

Kokichi: Hey, you want some leftovers? 

Shuichi: What's that? 

Kokichi: You've never had leftovers??? 

Shuichi: No, because I'm not a quitter.

-

Shuichi, tending to Kokichi's wounds: How would you rate your pain? 

Kokichi: Zero stars. Would NOT recommend.

-

Kokichi: petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday 

Shuichi: Wednesay 

Kokichi: Not what I had in mind, but I'm flexible

-

Shuichi: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao 

Kokichi: What did you do Shuichi? 

Shuichi: A MISTAKE.

-

Shuichi: Hey, it's your turn to wash dishes. 

Kokichi: I'LL WASH THE WALLS RED WITH YOUR BLOOD. 

Shuichi: 'Kay, but before that, wash the dishes, also use soap this time?

-

Shuichi: Is something burning?

Kokichi: Just my love for you.

Shuichi: Kichi, the toaster is on fire.

-

Kokichi: I learned some very valuable lessons from this.

Shuichi: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lessons you actually should’ve taken away.

Kokichi: Death isn’t real, and I’m basically God.

-

Shuichi: Kokichi... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?

Kokichi: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.

Shuichi: I wrote sanitize, Kokichi.

-

Shuichi: You're right.

Kokichi: That's... That's an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

-

Kokichi: I'm incredibly fast at math.

Shuichi: Alright, what's 30x17?

Kokichi: 47

Shuichi: That's not even close.

Kokichi: But it was fast.

-

Kokichi: How petty can you get?

Shuichi: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

-

Kokichi: So that’s my plan.

Shuichi: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.

Kokichi: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.

Shuichi: It fucking sucks.

Kokichi: That’s not constructive criticism.

-

Kokichi, standing with his back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Shuichi.

Shuichi: How did you do that without turning around?

Kokichi: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.


End file.
